From Judgment to Curiosity: How My Inner Critic Met My Inner Scientist (and Why Your Vibe Check Matters)
Let me tell you about Maya. I met her the other day, and almost immediately, my internal alarm bells started ringing. My brain, bless its protective little heart, went into overdrive. Stuck up. Fake enlightened. One of those people. You know the type. I categorized her, neatly tucking her into a mental box labeled "Avoid at All Costs." My neuroception—my nervous system’s unconscious "vibe check"—had decided she was a threat, even though there was no actual danger.
It’s a familiar pattern, isn’t it? That instant, visceral reaction to someone new, or even to a situation. Before my conscious mind could even form a coherent thought, my body had already made a judgment. And for a long time, I just accepted these snap judgments as truth. But what if there’s more to the story? What if that initial "vibe check" is actually an invitation to a deeper understanding, both of others and, more importantly, of ourselves?
This is where the fascinating dance between interoception and exteroception comes into play, and why developing a kinder relationship with ourselves starts with noticing.
Your Internal GPS: Interoception, Exteroception, and Neuroception
Let’s break down some of this fancy polyvagal language into something a bit more user-friendly:
Neuroception: Your Internal Smoke Detector. This is your nervous system constantly scanning for cues of safety, danger, or life-threat, both internally and externally. It’s happening below your conscious awareness, deciding if a situation is safe enough to relax, or if you need to mobilize (fight/flight) or shut down (freeze). My neuroception, when it met Maya, screamed "danger!" (or at least, "insecurity alert!").
Interoception: Checking the Weather Inside. This is your awareness of your internal bodily sensations—your heart rate, your breath, that knot in your stomach, the tension in your shoulders. It’s how you know if you’re hungry, tired, or feeling anxious. When I judged Maya, if I had paused, I might have noticed a tightening in my chest, a subtle clenching in my jaw.
Exteroception: Scanning the Room. This is your awareness of the world outside your body—the sights, sounds, smells, and textures around you. It’s how you perceive your environment. I was definitely using exteroception when I noticed Maya’s confident posture and easy laugh, but my neuroception had already filtered it through a lens of judgment.
These three work together constantly, painting a picture of your reality. And sometimes, that picture is a distorted one, especially when old wounds are poked.
The Judgment Mirror: When "Not Enough" Meets "Self-Assured"
Through curiosity and mindful noticing, I started to unravel my initial reaction to Maya. I realized that the stories I created about her—stuck up, fake enlightened—were less about her and more about me. The truth? She exuded a feeling of self-assuredness, a quiet confidence that, in that moment, brought out my own deep-seated insecurity. The part of me that feels like "not enough" was profoundly poked by my perception of her "enoughness."
And honestly? That’s okay. It’s human. That flush of shame, that internal squirm, that’s just my body giving me data. It’s a sign that something important is happening, a signal that a vulnerable part of me needs attention.
This is the complexity of life—the beautiful, messy truth that our judgments of others often reveal more about our own internal landscape than about them. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s real.
Shifting from Judgment to Compassionate Curiosity
This realization was a game-changer. It didn’t necessarily make us friends, and that’s okay. The goal wasn't to force a connection, but to allow me to work with her for the short period of time I needed to, without feeling constant judgment or insecurity. More profoundly, it changed my relationship with myself. Instead of beating myself up for being judgmental, I could approach that "not enough" part with self-compassion.
Here’s how curiosity turned into noticing became my superpower:
Pause and Notice: When that familiar wave of judgment washes over me, I try to pause. What am I feeling in my body (interoception)? What am I actually seeing or hearing (exteroception), rather than what my brain is telling me I’m seeing?
Befriend the Judgment: Instead of shaming myself for judging, I get curious. "Hello, Judgment Part. What are you trying to protect me from? What vulnerable part feels threatened right now?" This is a core tenet of IFS therapy—all parts have good intentions.
Challenge the Story: My brain loves to create narratives. "She’s stuck up" is a story. "She seems confident" is an observation. Can I separate the two?
Find the Root: Often, my judgment of others is a mirror reflecting my own insecurities. Maya’s self-assuredness wasn’t a threat; it was a reminder of where I felt I was lacking. By turning that curiosity inward, I can tend to my own "not enough" part.
This isn't about becoming a saint who never judges. That’s unrealistic, and frankly, a bit boring. It’s about developing the skill to notice when judgment arises, to understand its protective function, and to choose a different path—a path of compassionate curiosity. It’s about recognizing that we are stronger together, and that includes all the messy, beautiful parts within ourselves.
If you’re tired of your internal smoke detector constantly blaring, or if you want to explore how to turn judgment into genuine connection, both with yourself and others, I’m here to guide you. My practice in Burlington and Oakville offers support in navigating these complex internal landscapes.
