When You F*ck Up: Six Ways Therapy Helps You Stop Beating Yourself Up

We’ve all been there. That moment when you say or do something you instantly regret. The moment you think, “I fucked up.”

That feeling of shame or failure is heavy. But what if that moment wasn’t just a sign that you’re “bad” or “flawed”? What if it was a signal—a clue—about something deeper going on inside you?

As a therapist, I see that moment of regret as a chance to learn. We can stop the self-blame by looking at the mistake through a different lens. Here is how six different types of therapy help us understand what’s really happening when you feel like you’ve fucked up:

1. Internal Family Systems (IFS) - The “Parts” of You

Imagine your mind is like a family, full of different personalities or “Parts.” When you mess up, it’s usually because one of your protective Parts took over.

The Simple Translation: “The action wasn’t the real you. It was a scared or stressed-out Part of you trying to protect you from pain, and it used a clumsy or extreme way to do it.”

The Takeaway: We don’t judge the Part that messed up; we get curious about what it was trying to protect. The goal is to let your calm, wise Self take the lead instead of the stressed-out Part. Because when we let the stressed-out Part drive the car- they tend to crash.

2. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) - The Old Tape

Sometimes, a current situation can accidentally hit a “play button” on an old, painful memory (conscious or unconscious) that has wired a familiar pathway in your brain. That memory might be from childhood or a past trauma, and it comes with a negative belief, like “I’m a failure.”

The Simple Translation: “This mistake felt so big because it woke up an old, painful memory. That memory is making you believe something bad about yourself, like ‘I’m not good enough,’ even though it’s not true now.”

The Takeaway: EMDR helps your brain properly file away those old, painful memories, and create a new pathway so they don’t keep popping up and making you feel bad about yourself today.

3. Somatic Therapy - The Body’s Alarm

This therapy focuses on your body’s reaction to stress. When you feel threatened (even if it’s just an emotional threat), your body has a built-in alarm system: fight, flight, or freeze. If you fuck up, it might be because your body’s alarm went off and you acted before your brain could think.

The Simple Translation: “Your body went into survival mode—like a freeze or a sudden burst of fight energy—and the action you took was just your body trying to let out that trapped stress.”

The Takeaway: We learn to listen to the body’s signals and gently help it calm down, so you can respond to life instead of just reacting to stress. It’s hard to do- and it’s hella liberating.

4. Attachment Theory - The Relationship Habit

We all learned how to be in relationships when we were kids. These early lessons created a “relationship habit” (your attachment style). When you fuck up in a relationship, it’s often this old habit kicking in.

The Simple Translation: “When you felt disconnected or scared of losing someone, your old relationship habit took over. You either pushed them away or clung too tightly, and that caused the problem.”

The Takeaway: We look at where that habit came from and practice new, healthier ways to connect with people when you feel scared or stressed.

5. Relational Therapy - The Shared Moment

This view says that problems don’t just belong to one person; they happen between people. If you fuck up with a friend or partner, it’s a breakdown in the connection you share.

The Simple Translation: “The problem wasn’t just you. It was a break in the connection between you and the other person. You both played a part in the moment that went wrong.”

The Takeaway: The focus shifts from who is to blame to how you can fix the connection (the repair) and learn from the shared experience.

6. Polyvagal Theory - The Safety Switch

This is all about your nervous system’s “safety switch.” When the switch is on (Ventral Vagal), you feel calm and connected. When it flips off, you go into defense mode (Sympathetic or Dorsal Vagal). The mistake you made was likely an action taken while your safety switch was off.

The Simple Translation: “Your nervous system thought you were in danger, so it flipped the switch from calm and safe to fight/flight or shut down. The action you regret was just your body trying to survive a perceived threat.”

The Takeaway: We learn how to recognize when your safety switch is flipping and how to gently guide your system back to a feeling of calm and connection.

Your Mistake is a Clue, Not a Crime

No matter the language, the goal in therapy is the same: compassion, understanding, and fixing the problem.

Your feeling of “I fucked up” is not a final judgment. It’s a valuable piece of information. It’s an invitation to explore what your body, your past, or your relationships are trying to tell you.

If you are ready to stop the cycle of self-blame and start understanding the deeper reasons behind your actions, I invite you to reach out.